Self-Originating Love

"Transformed by the gospel, our love is to be self-originating, not elicited by the loveliness of the loved. For that is the way it is with God."  -DA Carson


This quote has been at the center of my thoughts for several days now. What a powerful, yet simple truth. If we were to apply this gospel truth to our relationships, how transformed they would be!


The Gospel is this: 
   God, being rich in mercy, because of HIS GREAT LOVE, chose me: a dead corpse who was rotting and decaying in my own sin.  He chose me (aka: the stinky corpse) to love, accept, redeem, adopt. He chose me to love, not because I was lovable, lovely, or worthy, but because he IS love. And through his love, he washed away the decaying stench and made me a living being. He made me human again. He broke the curse of death that sin had wreaked havoc against me and breathed life into my soul. (Ephesians 2)
    Because of that great truth, my ability to love and have relationships with others is then transformed. Love then, comes from the fact that God loved me greatly, not from how lovable or unlovable those around me are.
  
    Some examples that come to mind...


   I am able to love my husband regardless of what he does or doesn't do. Regardless of how he makes me feel or not feel. Regardless of how holy or sinful he is. My love is "self-originating" because it comes from the living-spring that God has placed within me.
    People sometimes ask if I worry about children I adopt being pre-disposed to genetic disorders or having mental illness due to abuse. When fears begin to fester within me about fostering/adopting children with unknown factors that may affect their development, God's love within me is able to drown out those sinful thoughts, because loving a child who might be considered "unlovely" in the world's eyes is a precious opportunity to experience in a microscopic way the unearned love God has for me.
    When I am wronged, hurt, or sinned against, I am able to love my enemies. Yes, they are far from deserving my love, but I was also an enemy of God and yet, he loved and redeemed me. My love towards them is not based on their actions or loveliness, it is based on the love within me.
    Of course, to call my love for my spouse, my family, my enemies "self-originating" may give the impression that I muster up this love from within, which is hardly the case. Rather, because of the work that God did within me, he infused my heart with his unending love. That is what empowers me to love those around me, even the "unlovable".
    Knowing this truth helps me to identify my unloving thoughts as anti-gospel. When I try to tell myself why I am justified to stay angry, bitter, or resentful the Holy Spirit reminds me that these unloving thoughts are an assault on the heart of the gospel. When I chose to replay a painful or offensive situation over and over in my mind, I am reminded that I am filling my mind with poison. Instead I can think about how Christ has chosen to forget my sin and make me his daughter...knowing my offenses to God far outweigh the greatest offense any human has ever paid me.
    Of course, far too often I chose to let my mind wander far too long in anger, bitterness, and resentment. And I am all too slow to take my thoughts captive and fill my mind with Gospel truths. But I praise God for the riches of his grace that continues to seep God's love deeper into my heart and allows more and more victory in this area....for His Glory alone!

Spilling Your Guts: A Privilege of Adoption

“Our responsibility is therefore to lay aside all our anxieties and bring them to our father. Being assured of his care, leave them with him.” -Sinclair Ferguson (The Christian Life)

     Marcel came home from school one day last month upset and grumpy. As I questioned him about his day, he grumbled that he did not want to talk about it. I explained to Marcel that God gave him a loving mom to care about the things that upset and bother him. I told Marcel that because he was my son, he does not have to keep his concerns hidden, but can share them with me. One of the great blessings of belonging to a family is that he is no longer responsible to carry his burdens alone.  As a child, Marcel not only has the privilege of sharing his pain with his loving and wise mother, but he actually has the responsibility to share.  If he chose to ignore my loving questions and keep his pain hidden, he would have been denying me the ability to mother him. It would have been disobedient, hurtful, and sinful. Sharing this with Marcel brightened his face and he spilled his guts. We had a great conversation over orange juice and granola bars and within no time Marcel bounced out of his chair ready to go play with his toys.

   

    A few hours later, I found myself anxious about getting the kids fed and our house “clean” (meaning toys stuffed in closet and dirty dishes crammed in the oven) for our Tuesday night Bible study. As I was washing dishes and feeling anxious, I knew that I should go to the Lord and repent for worrying about the perception of others and ask his help to find joy in sharing even a messy house with my friends who would be arriving shortly, but really…I just didn’t feel like praying at the moment.

   

    As I continued with my “to-do” list, God brought my conversation with Marcel to the front of my mind. I realized how often I treat going to the Lord with my fears, worries, and anxieties as optional. But it is not optional; I have a responsibility to turn to him. It is both a privilege of adoption and an act of obedience. When I look to God with my fears, I trust that God knows my every need before I even ask. When I cast my anxieties on God, I am exercising an unshakable faith that God cares for me. When I dwell on my problems, worry about the future, and think about all the possible negative scenarios that can come from some bad news I just heard, I deny the responsibility I have as God’s daughter and make myself the “god” of my problems. Instead of placing my hope in my loving, sovereign Father, I place my hope in my own abilities. In doing this, I am not demonstrating that God is my loving Father who adopted me through the blood of Jesus.

   

    Understanding this truth empowered me to look to God when I began to feel anxious. Several times this past week, I noticed thoughts and emotions that showed there was anxiousness or fear in my heart. Instead of letting those thoughts fester, I was able to direct my thoughts to the fact that I have a Father that lovingly demands I turn to him for protection and guidance. Just like I do not expect my children to carry their own burdens, how much more does God expect me to give him mine!

Mya's 2nd Adoption...

In early February, Mya started acting different. She was responding differently to discipline, acting sweeter to her brother, locking herself in the bathroom for twenty minutes so she could "clean" it to surprise me (boy was I surprised to find baby powder EVERYWHERE because she thought it made it smell pretty!)

One day while we were driving, she had a conversation with Vermon that went something like this...

Mya:  "Daddy, guess what? I prayed today."

Vermon: "Really? About what?"

Mya: "Oh, I don't know...just talking to Jesus"

The next morning I poured my cup of coffee and headed to the couch to read my Bible. Mya excitedly asked if she could join me.  I filled a coffee cup with juice for her, got her audio bible set up, and let her settle into her "cozy spot" in our living room. 

Normally Mya likes to listen to the creation story, over and over and over...

But this time, Mya asked if I could put the crucifixion story on.  When she was done listening, she ran over and sat on my lap and had the most precious conversation with me...

Mya: "Mommy...Jesus is in my heart, I think."

Me: "Really? Did you pray and ask him?"

Mya: "Yes, I have asked him every single morning this week, but I can't tell if he is really in there...is he Mommy?"

I then explained in 6-year old words how one gets to have a relationship with God…

Mya: "Mommy, so how many times do I have to ask Jesus to be the king of my life?"

Me: "Mya, close your eyes and picture our adoption day." (she closed her eyes really tight and large smile spread across her face) "Remember how many of our friends and family were in the room? Remember how the judge asked Daddy and I all these questions? At the end of the time in the courtroom, the judge said you were now Mya Hope Pierre and Marcel Vermon Pierre!”

Me: “Okay Mya, open your eyes. Now, do Daddy and I have to go and adopt you every single day?”

Mya: “NO! That would be so silly!! You are my mommy and daddy forever!”

Me: “And it is the same with God. The way God adopts us is through Jesus taking the punishment we should have gotten for our sins. When we decide to believe in Jesus and let him be the king of our life then God adopts us and we become his daughters!”

Mya: “RRREEEAAALLLLYYYY!!! I’m ready to listen to God and follow his way now…can you pray with me?”

I then led Mya through a simple, but personal prayer. I didn’t give her something to copy, but allowed her to speak her own words to her Creator. When she was done praying she opened her eyes and gave me a big hug and said,

“Mommy, now I have been adopted twice!”

Feeling Like An Orphan...but I'm Not

The beautiful thing about adoption is that it is permanent. Unchangeable. Forever. It has nothing to do with the child’s behavior, abilities, perceptions, strengths, weaknesses. It has EVERYTHING to do with the parent.

A majority of the time, Marcel and Mya fully embrace being our children. They have consumed our family identity and in countless funny ways show us that they are “Pierres.”  I often hear Marcel explain that he loves to read because “I’m a Pierre and Pierre’s love to read!” Or Mya explain why she doesn’t give up as, “Pierre Women keep trying!”  But there are moments, here and there, where they think back about their past and wonder, worry, imagine… They are still sorting out what it means in light of who they are now and who they will be in 5, 15, 30 years. Unfortunately, sometimes I hear parents who have adopted use their child's lack of attachment to them as an excuse to distance themselves emotionally (or more awful, legally and physically) from their child.

But what is SO wonderful about adoption is that it doesn’t matter who they identify themselves to be, because…they ARE Pierres. They could be night and day different from us. They could look completely different. They could act in ways that brought “shame” to our family name. They could wish that Daddy Warbucks would have adopted them instead. It doesn’t change their status as our children.

When I see in very real ways how Marcel and Mya have so quickly accepted their new identity, I am reminded how slower I am at the game…I am reminded that being God’s child has nothing to do with me, my actions, or my feelings.

Days like today, I don’t “feel” like a child of God.  There are those times when my devotion and love for God is all consuming of my heart, thoughts, and actions. It is like living in a vividly colorful garden after growing up in a brown desert. I can barely contain my joy for the living God who has rescued me, saved me, and made me his daughter.

And then there are days like today…

Normal.

I have to remind myself, minute by minute, that life is eternal and the temporal world around me is quickly fading and passing away. I have to take my thoughts captive, reminding myself who I am and who I belong to! I have to take the time to really examine why I am doing, saying, and thinking in ways that are completely foolish in light of what Christ did on the cross for me!

And somehow, in those “normal” days, is when I am most reminded that I am adopted, loved, rescued, saved, cherished, nourished, cared for, protected by my Living God. My Savior. My King.

Thank you Lord, for never finding it “hard” to love me when I fail to love you! May we do the same to the children you’ve entrusted us to!

Abortion & Adoption

This past Sunday was “Sanctity of Human Life” Sunday. Every year, churches across the country, dedicate a Sunday service to look at the issues related to abortion.  I had the opportunity yesterday to speak after service about practical ways to be pro-life. At the top of my list of ways to practically be pro-life was adoption.

    When thinking about the devaluing of human life, does it get more practical then to care for those who are most oppressed and vulnerable? In my opinion, orphan care is the single most practical way to support the pro-life movement. It is unfortunate that pro-life Christians are able to passionately speak about life of the unborn, but once that unwanted child enters the world, the voice gets much quieter.

    Not too long ago, I sat across the table at a McDonalds speaking to an overwhelmed mother while our children played. She was noticeably pregnant and I knew that she had been very overwhelmed the past year after the birth of her second child. When I asked about how she was feeling about having her third baby, she confessed in tears that she was trying to raise the money necessary to go to California to have an abortion (she had already passed her time frame to be able to have a legal abortion in Arizona). I was also quite concerned about her ability to parent a third child and began to speak to her about adoption. She informed me that when she was six months pregnant with her second child, she began working with an adoption agency to try to find a loving family to place her child. Months went by, the baby came, and there was no family that was interested in adopting her baby. Once she gave birth, there was no way she would place her child in foster care, knowing that there was no guarantee her child would ever find a home or adoptive family.

   We could discuss the myriad of social, racial, and economic dynamics or the lack of prevention and education that may have led to that woman to get pregnant again, but the fact remained that she was pregnant and could not find a family to adopt her child.  Unfortunately, pro-life literature often gives the poor representation that there are thousands of couples waiting to adopt children and uses this as an answer to abortion. The truth is, there are thousands of couples waiting to adopt Caucasian children, mostly girls, and are unwilling to even look at a child if the family medical or mental health background has some red flags. Single black moms have a much harder time finding a family to adopt. 

   Each of us should spend time in fervent prayer with our spouse asking God to show us how we are to participate in caring for orphans. If you read the famous “care for the orphan and widow..” (James 1:27) passage in context, you will see that caring for the orphan is very tightly connected to being a doer of God’s word.  It is not a command to those few within the church who feel “called” to adoption, but is a directive to the people of God. James says, don’t just listen to God’s word and stay unchanged. Listen! And then let God’s word transform and change you. Bridal your tongue. Care for the orphan. Care for the widow. Keep yourself from the world’s lusts. “Caring for the orphan…” applies to you just as much as “bridling your tongue.”

    What if, instead of asking God to open the door and drop a baby in our lap if we’re “meant” to adopt, we begin to beg God for the privilege to participate in the beautiful gospel re-enactment that happens in adoption. What if we ask the Lord to shut doors if we aren’t to adopt instead of waiting, asking him to open doors. Instead of spending the next several years of our life cowering in fear about all the potential issues that could happen if we adopt a child, let us repent of our fear asking God to give us a bigger understanding of his perfect love that drives out all fear.

   I say all of this out of a passionate plea for you to prayerfully consider adoption, but I also want to make sure I express that adoption isn't what "righteous good Christians" do. Christians who adopt are not more righteous then Christians who don’t (and if we think we are-may we repent of our self-righteousness!!). So, regardless of your desire or ability to adopt, support orphan care. You can care for orphans in countless ways, just please be intentional about it!

Serve and care for families who adopt. Give sacrificially so someone can adopt or to orphans. Find ways to at least be involved at some basic level in the life of a child who is an orphan spiritually. Volunteer to mentor a child in foster care. There are countless ways. Don’t stay static on this issue, but seek the Lord in how you are to be involved in some way, in caring for the orphan.

Things you shouldn't say....

The holidays have been full and my goals of writing weekly have not been met. Now you know my new years resolution for 2011. :)

But for those who haven't read this, here is link to a series of postings I did on my old blog about things you shouldn't say to families who have adopted. And if you have said any of these things to me...I still like you. :) Most people I know say these things, that is why I am writing about it. Education cures ignorance.

Numbers 1 & 2: http://exploringlove.blogspot.com/2009/10/8-things-you-should-never-say-to-family.html

Numbers 3 & 4: http://exploringlove.blogspot.com/2009/10/things-you-should-never-say-to-family.html

Numbers 5 & 6: http://exploringlove.blogspot.com/2009/10/things-you-should-never-say-to-family_09.html

Numbers 7 & 8:http://exploringlove.blogspot.com/2009/10/things-you-should-never-say-to-family_16.html

My Favorite Name

I never get sick of hearing the words “Mommy” or “Mama.”  It seems like a lifetime ago that Marcel and Mya called me anything else, but several times a week I smile and quietly praise the Lord for knitting our children’s hearts to ours and making them mine.

The name “mommy” was not an instant title for me.  Mya, who was four at the time, had (and does still!) such a strong, independent, and wonderful personality. Mya loves being the center of attention, loves making people laugh, and loves saying things that you would hear out of the mouth of a teenager.  If Mya loves someone, she often jumps up and down and runs into their arms when she sees them. But, if she isn’t your “friend” (which she has no problem telling you) and you ask Mya for a hug, she will politely (most of the time) tell you “no thank you” and walk away. Mya’s favorite phrase when we met her was “I can do it by myself” and almost two years later, she still loves trying to do things on her own and proudly displays her skills to all who will watch.  

We had a different transition then most foster families to become their parents.  When we decided to become Marcel and Mya’s foster parents (with the intention of adoption), we had to wait three long months to actually have them move in with us.  During this time, they lived with us all weekend and their poor little hearts were confused and unsettled as they tried to figure out what was in store for their future.

We told the children about a month and a half into the “transition” period that we would be their new mommy and daddy, but never told them what to call us.  Since we had such a long/strange "in-transition" stage where we weren't their parents, but were trying to be...we figured they were confused and when the dust settled, would instinctively know what to call us. First, our names were Mr. Vermon and Ms. Dennae. Then, Dennae and Vermon. By the time they moved in with us, they were calling us Mommy Dennae and Daddy Vermon.

Within days of living with us, Marcel and Mya were calling Vermon "daddy." It was so precious to hear and I loved seeing Vermon's big smile every time they heard it...it did not go so quickly with me. I figured, it would take longer to start calling me "mom," but knew it would happen. Even though I was slightly jealous of Vermon, I figured, even mother of infants don't get to hear themselves called mom for almost a year--and even then, for some reason, "da da" is among babies first words.  The Lord just filled me with a pursuing love for them that longed for them to feel and know that I was their mom.

The journey of becoming "Mommy" went something like this...

Mya would be having a tantrum and I would be disciplining her, explaining her sin and hard heart and her need for Jesus. "You'll NNNNNEEEEEEVVVVVEEEERRR be my mommy!" She would scream at the top of her lungs.

Later in the day, Vermon would home, "Daddy!" and then she'd look over at me and stick her hand on her hip and say, "he's my daddy! You're not my mommy!"

Other times we would be playing dolls or with stuffed animals and she would "make-believe" I was her mommy...and giggle or laugh every time she called me it, but made sure to tell me it was just a game. She wanted to test it out, but wasn't ready to commit. 

"Dennae" she would say, "yes, daughter" "You can be my mommy yesterday (she mixes up yesterday and tomorrow)" I would gently explain that I already am her mommy, just like God is my Father, even when I don’t act like he is. 

Our entire first month and a half was like this. I knew Mya desperately wanted a mommy, she longed to call me mommy and longed to belong to me. She would desperately want me to hold her, but would resist asking me with every bone in her body. I could see the turmoil within her.

Then, on Mother's Day, Mya started calling me "Mommy" and instantly began acting like I was her mommy. The transformation in her heart was beautiful. Vermon and I (and everyone around us) kept remarking that she became more and more beautiful in the  first months she was living with us.  As she grew more confidence that we were her forever family and as she realized that she belonged to us, she physically and emotionally transformed before our eyes.

It is getting harder to remember the Mya who would not call me “Mommy.” Now, I can't even go into the bathroom without Mya wanting to follow me in. Several times a day, Mya runs up to me, kisses me, and says, "You're the best Mommy in the WHOLE world." When she's in time out, now she argues, "But Mommy, I need you to be with me. But Mommy, I won't be able to see you!"

I LOVE my new name.