Vanessa's Story: Part Six

If you are new to joining this series, please start with my first post and hear about our foster care journey with Baby Vanessa.

Roosevelt church praying for Vanessa Jr & Sr at their baby shower

Vanessa Sr. arrived to Phoenix the first week of June and within two weeks CPS had approved for baby Vanessa to move in with Grandma. May and June was a whirlwind for our family. We were so blessed by how much Roosevelt Community Church supported or efforts to wrap our arms around Grandma and Baby Vanessa.  A large group of men from Roosevelt church met the moving van at Vanessa's new home and helped unload her belongings.  The ladies of Roosevelt threw Vanessa a baby shower and we had such a sweet and special time of prayer for this new family. And I had a blast decorating Vanessa's new nursery and helping Grandma get ready for this precious one to join her family.

Finally, the day came for Vanessa to go to her forever home. It was hard emotionally. As I said in my previous post, it is really hard to explain the emotional impact of losing foster children. My desire and hope from day one was that Vanessa would be able to have reunification with her family and I was fully aware that she did not "belong" to me. But at the same time, for almost 7 months I was Vanessa's mama... She was fully dependent on me for love, support, and safety. I still do not have words to fully describe the loss, except to say that it was there and it was real.

But the pain and loss that happens in foster care is only possible if you fully love that child. It is hard, but it is not a pain that you wish would go away. That would minimize the love and attachment you had for that child. It is a pain that can only be understood in light of the gospel. In light of what the Lord has done and is doing for us. Again and again I think of Paul's words in Romans 8, "For I consider, that the suffering of this present time are not worth comparing to the glory that is to be revealed to us." How true those precious words are! The pain is not worth comparing to the glory that God is bringing about both in eternity and here on earth as he works to bring broken families back together again.

In the last 6 months that Vanessa no longer lived with us, she has remained a close part of our family. Vanessa Sr. has become "grandma" to my children and a "mom" to Vermon and me and refers to us as Baby Vanessa's "Aunt" and "Uncle". She has taught me to cook some delicious Southern dishes and has made many wonderful meals for our family. She has joined our church family and been an incredible blessing. I never imagined I would be able to share Thanksgiving dinner with Vanessa's bio family or sing along side them in worship on Sunday mornings...the Lord has blessed and been so good to us!

Yesterday, Vanessa Sr. was finally able to adopt Vanessa Jr! It was a wonderful, special day and reminded me of how big our God is and how mighty he is to save.

Vanessa's Adoption!!

Vanessa's baby dedication at Roosevelt

Vanessa's Story: Part Five

If you are new to joining this series, please read the first part of Vanessa's story.

Vanessa’s Story: Part Five—Moving Grandma to Arizona

A few days after Grandma Vanessa came to visit we arranged to have a meeting with CPS so our caseworker could meet Vanessa Sr. We met for several hours with the CPS caseworker (Vanessa Sr. shared the gospel with this social worker with much greater boldness and passion then I did weeks earlier) and the caseworker explained how thankful she was for baby Vanessa to be able to live with her Grandma.

Then we started asking the practical questions…how long will it take to get Vanessa transferred from our custody in Arizona to Grandma’s custody in Texas? The caseworker’s lengthy explanation basically said it could be anywhere from a few months to six months and that there was no way to know. Vanessa Sr. was devastated. She had already missed out on the first 7 months of her baby’s life and now she was going to have to wait another six months?

Vanessa Sr. asked how long it would take for baby Vanessa to be transferred to her custody if instead of being a Texas resident, she had been an Arizona resident. The caseworker didn’t skip a beat and said, “days, maybe a week?”

The caseworker left and we sat in silence. Vanessa Sr. was upset, frustrated, and rightfully angry at the entire system and how inefficient things had already been for her up to this point. She started talking about possibly moving here and I told her we would be more then happy to do what it took in order to make that happen. I told her I did not want to pressure her in any way and that we are incredibly happy to love and care for Vanessa until the paperwork went through, but agreed it would be better for baby Vanessa to be with her forever mama sooner rather then later.

After a few minutes of discussion Vanessa Sr. made up her mind. “OK. I’m moving. Nothing matters to me except this baby. I don’t care if it kills me, this baby belongs with me.”

At this point, I began to think how I would approach this if Vermon or my mother had to make a major move. There is no way we would expect them to take care of the details on their own. Vermon and I expressed to her that we wanted her to be a part of our family, not just baby Vanessa. We cared about her and wanted to treat her like we would our own mothers. From this point on, we committed in our own hearts not to look at this situation as baby Vanessa leaving our family, but to see it as Vanessa Sr. joining our family.

We started researching renting storage units and moving vans, breaking her lease in Texas and securing a new apartment in Arizona, getting her foster care license here, etc, etc. It was an overwhelming few hours for me (I can’t imagine how it felt for her!!). Dollar signs seemed to be racking up by the minute and it seemed like a virtually impossible task. What began initially as a fun and exciting conversation that was exchanging ideas at a mile a minute had turned into a somber silence.  I realized I had to pick up my kids for school so I told her not to think or worry while I was gone and to just give me some time to think about everything.

I got in my car and began praying. The Lord strongly impressed on me that this was not something I could do on my own, but was something he wanted to be evident that HE was doing. It could not be my own strength or own reasoning abilities, but something much bigger then myself. I was filled with an incredible peace and joy and had instant confidence and faith that The Lord would bring this about in his timing.

I came home and jumped on my computer and emailed some friends from church. I asked if they would contribute some money toward Vanessa’s moving expenses. I never expected we would be able to raise everything she needed; however, I thought any amount we could contribute would be a blessing.

Within a few hours of sending the emails, here is what happened:

-Travis, a single man in our church who is a resident (therefore works constantly) emailed and said something along the lines of: “I have a 4 bedroom house that is ½ empty and no one is ever in it. I am happy to offer my house, if it’s needed. Vanessa could live here and save her rent money for at least six months or so.”  

-In order to keep Vanessa from having to rent a storage facility for her house full of furniture, we decided to rent a UHaul for her so she could move all her furniture here. We had several people from our church respond to our request for help with moving expenses and we raised half the price for the UHaul.

-My dad offered to fly us to Texas with me and drive the U-Haul back, that way Vanessa could just drive her car from Texas to Arizona without having to worry about moving all of her stuff.

Can you believe all that? The Lord worked through so many different people in such a short time, when I told Vanessa all of this she was overwhelmed with thankfulness to God our Father. She kept calling all of her friends and family explaining how she thought she would have to face the burden and strain of such a big move alone, but God had so wonderfully moved mountains to make this happen.

Vanessa and I pulled out our calendars. She decided she wanted to move out of her current place at the end of May (Grandma Vanessa had no intention of dragging her feet, she thought each day without her grandbaby was a day too long). So my dad and I booked our plane tickets for less then two weeks from when all these decisions were made. Grandma Vanessa flew back to Texas and began packing up her home. By the time she left…7 days after arriving in our home, she was calling us  “son” and “daughter” and we really did feel as though the Lord had blessed us with another mother figure in our lives.  We were blessed daily by her faith & food and amazed at all the Lord had done to answer our prayers to be equipped “for every good work to do his will.”

Before I knew it, my dad and I had landed in Dallas and were loading a moving truck. After loading the last box, we hugged Vanessa goodbye (she would be coming to Arizona a week later), jumped in the U-Haul, and began our 15 hour drive back to Phoenix. May was perhaps the most exhausting month of my life; however, it was also full of such blessing. It was a blessing to see our church family and extended family come around us and support this situation. There is nothing quite like being a part of something much larger then yourself...and that is impossible to experience as an individual, it can only happen within the context of community.

 

(my dad and I don't normally look like this...this is after many hours of no sleep :)...my dad always makes his way into being a part of our foster-care adventures)

 Up Next:  Vanessa’s Story : Part Six—Vanessa gets reunited with family (Will post later this week)

Vanessa's Story: Part Four

And the saga continues... start at the beginning of Vanessa's story by reading my first three posts. 

Vanessa’s Story: Part Four—Grandma’s Comin’ to Town

After four months of pushing Vanessa’s case along, we finally got the “ok” from CPS to have Vanessa come to Phoenix and meet her grandbaby.  Our caseworker from CPS did not understand our willingness to have a stranger in our home for a week, but she loved the idea of having baby Vanessa meet her grandma, Vanessa Sr. 

In the meeting leading up to get approval for Vanessa Sr. to come to Phoenix and stay in our home, our caseworker questioned our motivation for foster care. What an incredible opportunity! Before I knew it, I found myself sharing my testimony and the gospel of Jesus Christ with this over-worked, exhausted social worker.

When a foster family is open to family reunification, but still loves the child with them dearly, they exemplify a kind of love that is almost impossible for the world to understand. How can I love this precious baby with my whole heart as though she were my own and at the same time, advocate for her to be with grandma? The answer: because I have a Father, God Almighty, who has given up everything to restore me into his family. He gave up perfect oneness and unity with his own son so that Christ could become human and greatly suffer for my sake.

It was the gospel that motivated me through the muddy waters of foster care. I don’t mean that I decided to go down this path simply because I was “obeying” a “command.” The gospel did not call me to “suck it up” and endure “just because.” No, the gospel filled in my own life story with a story much bigger then myself. When you belong to Christ, there is no amount of pain that cannot be endured, because it is always endured next to your Elder Brother, Jesus who suffered much greater. Many times a day I was tempted to guard my heart and try to distance myself from Vanessa…knowing the pain of losing her was inevitable. But I would replay those tempting feelings in light of what Christ has done on my behalf, in light of what it cost my Heavenly Father to bring me into his family. That was enough to continue to press on…

We called Vanessa and told her the good news: we had finally been given permission to have her in our home for a visit. We booked her plane tickets for a few weeks later, Mother's Day weekend and then we anxiously awaited her flight’s arrival.

At this point, I thought it would be a good idea to have my kids also begin speaking on the phone with her to help prepare them for the soon-coming transition. Mya loved having an excuse to talk on the phone and soon all the kids were looking forward to meeting “Grandma Vanessa.”  Vermon and I did not know what to expect…would it feel like a long 7 days or would it go by quickly? I lost several nights sleep leading up to her arrival playing out all the possible scenarios, but the Lord kept bringing me back to Hebrews 13: 1-3:

“Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.”

I would think about this passage and pray that the Lord would grow my love for Vanessa Sr. She was beginning to feel like a "sister", yet without meeting face to face, still felt like a "stranger". So I prayed for the gift of hospitality and that I would see this entire situation through her lens of suffering. Certainly her suffering path of waiting to be with her little one was infinitely harder then the suffering I would face with losing Vanessa. I knew this intellectually, but did not feel the weight of it fully. So I prayed for God’s heart and prayed the ending of Hebrews 13 again and again, that this amazing blood of the eternal covenant would equip me for everything good for doing his will:

“Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.”

So, the days leading up to having a sister-and-stranger in my home were an emotional roller coaster and physically exhausting. But finally, the day came and the kids and I loaded up the car and went to pick Vanessa Sr. up from the airport.

When we got back to my house and Vanessa Sr. was able to pick up baby Vanessa and hold her for the first time all my fear and anxious feelings instantly melted. Baby Vanessa pulled Grandma Vanessa’s glasses right off her face, locked eyes with her future-forever-mama, and gave her the biggest smile. By the end of the first night, I was back from having 4 children to having only 3. Grandma took over and loved on that precious little girl for the rest of the evening.

Within a few days, I felt like Vanessa and I had known each other our entire lives. The story of how this woman came to know and serve Jesus overwhelmed me with praise (hope to write that story for her someday too!). It felt weird to even call her Vanessa, since she was older then my own mother and full of such gracious love and wisdom for me. My children had also feared the day they would lose Vanessa, but as the week went on they each fell in-love with Grandma Vanessa and started calling her “Grandma.” It was beginning to seem more and more evident that the Lord was going to weave Vanessa Sr. and Baby Vanessa into our own extended family long after our foster relationship ended. 

Up next: Moving Grandma Vanessa to Arizona!! 

Vanessa's Story: Part Three

If you are new to joining this blog series, read parts one and two of our foster journey with baby Vanessa first.

Vanessa’s Story: Part Three—Beginning a Relationship With Grandma

    The initial meeting of bio family is so awkward. What do you say? What will they say? Will they feel threatened by you? Will they think you “took” their baby? Will they blame you? Adoption and foster care creates all these intimately close connection with complete strangers. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, and entire networks of extended family instantly become “part” of you when a new child enters your home, but you don’t know their faces or often even their names. Your only connection is one of the strongest, closest connection in the world….a precious little child.

   I prayed a prayer for wisdom and the ability to come across gentle and loving to this stranger that I had never met, I dialed the phone, hoped for voice mail to pick up… but instead I was greeted with a “Hello?”

   About two sentences into explaining who I was the voice on the other end of the phone began screaming in thanksgiving. I heard joy, praise, laughter, and some “hallelujahs.” Once she calmed down from being so happy to hear from me I updated her on who we were, how Vanessa came to us, and how Vanessa was doing. Vanessa Sr. filled me in on all she knew about baby Vanessa and her constant night and day prayers for this little girl. She was overwhelmed with thankfulness when she heard we were Christians and Vermon was a pastor.

  I am not sure how long we spoke that first time, maybe an hour? But I hung up and my entire emotional conflict was gone. I knew that baby Vanessa should be with Grandma Vanessa. I saw the Lord’s handiwork everywhere. My prayers instantly changed and I became fully committed to loving Vanessa enough to do whatever I could to speed up the process for her to be with her grandma.

   Of course, with Arizona CPS, nothing is speedy. In fact, often it is painfully slow to the determent of the child’s safety and well-being.  If Vanessa Sr. had been living in Arizona, the state would have moved baby Vanessa to Grandma within days of baby Vanessa being placed in our home; however, since she was in a different state with different laws, that meant going through a long, bureaucratic process (called an ICPC) that included 3 steps on the Arizona end and 2-3 steps on the Texas end.

    So what followed was 4 months of phone calls with Grandma, sending her pictures, notes, and receiving pictures, letters, and clothes. Vanessa began working on her end in Texas, calling daily, trying to get the case moved along and I began working in Phoenix, making 8-10 phone calls a day sometimes, trying to get each painstaking step in our case moved along. In hindsight, I wish I would have called more often and sent more pictures!

   It was challenging to find time to connect with Grandma because I had so many visits from CPS, licensing workers, physical and occupational therapists, attorneys, assessments, etc (this is a normal part of foster care ministry, even with generally healthy children). On top of all that, I was making many phone calls trying to get Vanessa’s paperwork pushed through so we could get her to her grandma. But even with a full plate, I still tried to make it a priority to connect with Grandma regularly.

   If I can give any advice to foster families it is to reach out to those biological family members that want to build relationships with their children. Out of all the aspects to foster care ministry, I believe reaching out to biological family is one of the most important aspects of foster care ministry (second only to providing a loving, safe environment for the child).

   All this work resulted in a wonderful relationship with Vanessa Sr. long before I ever met her face to face. With each phone call, I was growing to love her as a true friend. It became a highlight and joy to speak with her, hear her story, and see the Lord working in the midst of her challenging circumstances!

Up Next:  Vanessa’s Story: PartFour—Grandma’s Comin’ to Town