Vanessa's Story: Part Four

And the saga continues... start at the beginning of Vanessa's story by reading my first three posts. 

Vanessa’s Story: Part Four—Grandma’s Comin’ to Town

After four months of pushing Vanessa’s case along, we finally got the “ok” from CPS to have Vanessa come to Phoenix and meet her grandbaby.  Our caseworker from CPS did not understand our willingness to have a stranger in our home for a week, but she loved the idea of having baby Vanessa meet her grandma, Vanessa Sr. 

In the meeting leading up to get approval for Vanessa Sr. to come to Phoenix and stay in our home, our caseworker questioned our motivation for foster care. What an incredible opportunity! Before I knew it, I found myself sharing my testimony and the gospel of Jesus Christ with this over-worked, exhausted social worker.

When a foster family is open to family reunification, but still loves the child with them dearly, they exemplify a kind of love that is almost impossible for the world to understand. How can I love this precious baby with my whole heart as though she were my own and at the same time, advocate for her to be with grandma? The answer: because I have a Father, God Almighty, who has given up everything to restore me into his family. He gave up perfect oneness and unity with his own son so that Christ could become human and greatly suffer for my sake.

It was the gospel that motivated me through the muddy waters of foster care. I don’t mean that I decided to go down this path simply because I was “obeying” a “command.” The gospel did not call me to “suck it up” and endure “just because.” No, the gospel filled in my own life story with a story much bigger then myself. When you belong to Christ, there is no amount of pain that cannot be endured, because it is always endured next to your Elder Brother, Jesus who suffered much greater. Many times a day I was tempted to guard my heart and try to distance myself from Vanessa…knowing the pain of losing her was inevitable. But I would replay those tempting feelings in light of what Christ has done on my behalf, in light of what it cost my Heavenly Father to bring me into his family. That was enough to continue to press on…

We called Vanessa and told her the good news: we had finally been given permission to have her in our home for a visit. We booked her plane tickets for a few weeks later, Mother's Day weekend and then we anxiously awaited her flight’s arrival.

At this point, I thought it would be a good idea to have my kids also begin speaking on the phone with her to help prepare them for the soon-coming transition. Mya loved having an excuse to talk on the phone and soon all the kids were looking forward to meeting “Grandma Vanessa.”  Vermon and I did not know what to expect…would it feel like a long 7 days or would it go by quickly? I lost several nights sleep leading up to her arrival playing out all the possible scenarios, but the Lord kept bringing me back to Hebrews 13: 1-3:

“Keep on loving one another as brothers and sisters. Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Continue to remember those in prison as if you were together with them in prison, and those who are mistreated as if you yourselves were suffering.”

I would think about this passage and pray that the Lord would grow my love for Vanessa Sr. She was beginning to feel like a "sister", yet without meeting face to face, still felt like a "stranger". So I prayed for the gift of hospitality and that I would see this entire situation through her lens of suffering. Certainly her suffering path of waiting to be with her little one was infinitely harder then the suffering I would face with losing Vanessa. I knew this intellectually, but did not feel the weight of it fully. So I prayed for God’s heart and prayed the ending of Hebrews 13 again and again, that this amazing blood of the eternal covenant would equip me for everything good for doing his will:

“Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.”

So, the days leading up to having a sister-and-stranger in my home were an emotional roller coaster and physically exhausting. But finally, the day came and the kids and I loaded up the car and went to pick Vanessa Sr. up from the airport.

When we got back to my house and Vanessa Sr. was able to pick up baby Vanessa and hold her for the first time all my fear and anxious feelings instantly melted. Baby Vanessa pulled Grandma Vanessa’s glasses right off her face, locked eyes with her future-forever-mama, and gave her the biggest smile. By the end of the first night, I was back from having 4 children to having only 3. Grandma took over and loved on that precious little girl for the rest of the evening.

Within a few days, I felt like Vanessa and I had known each other our entire lives. The story of how this woman came to know and serve Jesus overwhelmed me with praise (hope to write that story for her someday too!). It felt weird to even call her Vanessa, since she was older then my own mother and full of such gracious love and wisdom for me. My children had also feared the day they would lose Vanessa, but as the week went on they each fell in-love with Grandma Vanessa and started calling her “Grandma.” It was beginning to seem more and more evident that the Lord was going to weave Vanessa Sr. and Baby Vanessa into our own extended family long after our foster relationship ended. 

Up next: Moving Grandma Vanessa to Arizona!! 

Vanessa's Story: Part Three

If you are new to joining this blog series, read parts one and two of our foster journey with baby Vanessa first.

Vanessa’s Story: Part Three—Beginning a Relationship With Grandma

    The initial meeting of bio family is so awkward. What do you say? What will they say? Will they feel threatened by you? Will they think you “took” their baby? Will they blame you? Adoption and foster care creates all these intimately close connection with complete strangers. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, and entire networks of extended family instantly become “part” of you when a new child enters your home, but you don’t know their faces or often even their names. Your only connection is one of the strongest, closest connection in the world….a precious little child.

   I prayed a prayer for wisdom and the ability to come across gentle and loving to this stranger that I had never met, I dialed the phone, hoped for voice mail to pick up… but instead I was greeted with a “Hello?”

   About two sentences into explaining who I was the voice on the other end of the phone began screaming in thanksgiving. I heard joy, praise, laughter, and some “hallelujahs.” Once she calmed down from being so happy to hear from me I updated her on who we were, how Vanessa came to us, and how Vanessa was doing. Vanessa Sr. filled me in on all she knew about baby Vanessa and her constant night and day prayers for this little girl. She was overwhelmed with thankfulness when she heard we were Christians and Vermon was a pastor.

  I am not sure how long we spoke that first time, maybe an hour? But I hung up and my entire emotional conflict was gone. I knew that baby Vanessa should be with Grandma Vanessa. I saw the Lord’s handiwork everywhere. My prayers instantly changed and I became fully committed to loving Vanessa enough to do whatever I could to speed up the process for her to be with her grandma.

   Of course, with Arizona CPS, nothing is speedy. In fact, often it is painfully slow to the determent of the child’s safety and well-being.  If Vanessa Sr. had been living in Arizona, the state would have moved baby Vanessa to Grandma within days of baby Vanessa being placed in our home; however, since she was in a different state with different laws, that meant going through a long, bureaucratic process (called an ICPC) that included 3 steps on the Arizona end and 2-3 steps on the Texas end.

    So what followed was 4 months of phone calls with Grandma, sending her pictures, notes, and receiving pictures, letters, and clothes. Vanessa began working on her end in Texas, calling daily, trying to get the case moved along and I began working in Phoenix, making 8-10 phone calls a day sometimes, trying to get each painstaking step in our case moved along. In hindsight, I wish I would have called more often and sent more pictures!

   It was challenging to find time to connect with Grandma because I had so many visits from CPS, licensing workers, physical and occupational therapists, attorneys, assessments, etc (this is a normal part of foster care ministry, even with generally healthy children). On top of all that, I was making many phone calls trying to get Vanessa’s paperwork pushed through so we could get her to her grandma. But even with a full plate, I still tried to make it a priority to connect with Grandma regularly.

   If I can give any advice to foster families it is to reach out to those biological family members that want to build relationships with their children. Out of all the aspects to foster care ministry, I believe reaching out to biological family is one of the most important aspects of foster care ministry (second only to providing a loving, safe environment for the child).

   All this work resulted in a wonderful relationship with Vanessa Sr. long before I ever met her face to face. With each phone call, I was growing to love her as a true friend. It became a highlight and joy to speak with her, hear her story, and see the Lord working in the midst of her challenging circumstances!

Up Next:  Vanessa’s Story: PartFour—Grandma’s Comin’ to Town 

Vanessa’s Story: Part Two

My first post of this series shared how Vanessa came to be in our family. In this post, I want to give you a peek into my brain and thought process when we first heard about a relative placement.

Vanessa’s Story: Part Two—Hearing about Grandma

    After 4 weeks of contacting CPS to inquire about visits with bio family and to see if there were any relatives who wanted to begin getting to know Vanessa, our caseworker was changed. The new caseworker returned my calls (after leaving 7 messages) and told me that there was a paternal grandma in Texas, Vanessa Sr. She said that this grandma had been calling daily since December 24^th trying to get information. Vanessa Sr. had sent clothes, pictures, and letters. Of course, none of this information had been given to me.     

   I walked over to my husband’s study and sat on his couch and cried; tears of joy and tears of sorrow. It is such a hard thing to explain the mixed emotional reaction. I loved this baby dearly and I was afraid of losing her.  Even though I logically realized that she was never mine to begin with and theologically I believed she belonged with biological family if possible, but my heart was still aching because I absolutely adored this baby girl. I also felt heartbroken for the grandma who had been trying to figure out where her grandbaby was for weeks with no response!

    But I was also simultaneously full of joy that the Lord had answered my prayers! This precious little one that I loved was not an orphan after all! Because of my deep love for this baby girl, it would be incredibly selfish to wish she had no family so that I could adopt her. Because of the depths of my love, I wanted and prayed that the Lord would do a miracle and let this baby be reconciled to her family.

  My tears and emotions were conflicting: fear vs. joy; the desire to tighten my grasp and hold on to this little one who I loved vs. the desire to do everything within me to get her to her back to her biological family. For a fe w minutes I contemplated my options and the crossroad before me. One choice (which many good, well-intentioned foster families make), was to tighten my grasp, avoid bio-grandma, wait until CPS ordered/directed phone visits, and hope that in the mean time…baby Vanessa would be with me for so long that the courts would realize it was in her best interest to stay with us. The other choice was to call grandma, build a friendship, and try to get baby Vanessa connected to her grandmother.

  The reality is I had no control of the outcome no matter the path I took, but one path would be more honoring to the Lord, a greater representation of his gospel, and more loving for Vanessa. The first option would still allow me to be a foster parent to Vanessa and do what the state has asked me to do. It would not have been sinful to avoid Grandma. I would have met Vanessa's needs and provided a safe, loving home for however long the state let me keep her. But the second option would have been making foster care a ministry and not a means to adoption. It would have taken my calling to be a foster parent so that I can care for children and broadened that ministry to an entire family and CPS system.

   

It took me about five minutes to make that decision. Vermon and I quickly let go of our dream of adding Vanessa to a permanent part of our family (spoiler alert: God allowed that to happen in a different way anyway!) and I took a deep breath and picked up my phone to call Vanessa Sr. 

Vanessa’s Story: Part Three—Beginning aRelationship With Grandma