Vanessa's Story: Part Three

If you are new to joining this blog series, read parts one and two of our foster journey with baby Vanessa first.

Vanessa’s Story: Part Three—Beginning a Relationship With Grandma

    The initial meeting of bio family is so awkward. What do you say? What will they say? Will they feel threatened by you? Will they think you “took” their baby? Will they blame you? Adoption and foster care creates all these intimately close connection with complete strangers. Mothers, fathers, grandparents, and entire networks of extended family instantly become “part” of you when a new child enters your home, but you don’t know their faces or often even their names. Your only connection is one of the strongest, closest connection in the world….a precious little child.

   I prayed a prayer for wisdom and the ability to come across gentle and loving to this stranger that I had never met, I dialed the phone, hoped for voice mail to pick up… but instead I was greeted with a “Hello?”

   About two sentences into explaining who I was the voice on the other end of the phone began screaming in thanksgiving. I heard joy, praise, laughter, and some “hallelujahs.” Once she calmed down from being so happy to hear from me I updated her on who we were, how Vanessa came to us, and how Vanessa was doing. Vanessa Sr. filled me in on all she knew about baby Vanessa and her constant night and day prayers for this little girl. She was overwhelmed with thankfulness when she heard we were Christians and Vermon was a pastor.

  I am not sure how long we spoke that first time, maybe an hour? But I hung up and my entire emotional conflict was gone. I knew that baby Vanessa should be with Grandma Vanessa. I saw the Lord’s handiwork everywhere. My prayers instantly changed and I became fully committed to loving Vanessa enough to do whatever I could to speed up the process for her to be with her grandma.

   Of course, with Arizona CPS, nothing is speedy. In fact, often it is painfully slow to the determent of the child’s safety and well-being.  If Vanessa Sr. had been living in Arizona, the state would have moved baby Vanessa to Grandma within days of baby Vanessa being placed in our home; however, since she was in a different state with different laws, that meant going through a long, bureaucratic process (called an ICPC) that included 3 steps on the Arizona end and 2-3 steps on the Texas end.

    So what followed was 4 months of phone calls with Grandma, sending her pictures, notes, and receiving pictures, letters, and clothes. Vanessa began working on her end in Texas, calling daily, trying to get the case moved along and I began working in Phoenix, making 8-10 phone calls a day sometimes, trying to get each painstaking step in our case moved along. In hindsight, I wish I would have called more often and sent more pictures!

   It was challenging to find time to connect with Grandma because I had so many visits from CPS, licensing workers, physical and occupational therapists, attorneys, assessments, etc (this is a normal part of foster care ministry, even with generally healthy children). On top of all that, I was making many phone calls trying to get Vanessa’s paperwork pushed through so we could get her to her grandma. But even with a full plate, I still tried to make it a priority to connect with Grandma regularly.

   If I can give any advice to foster families it is to reach out to those biological family members that want to build relationships with their children. Out of all the aspects to foster care ministry, I believe reaching out to biological family is one of the most important aspects of foster care ministry (second only to providing a loving, safe environment for the child).

   All this work resulted in a wonderful relationship with Vanessa Sr. long before I ever met her face to face. With each phone call, I was growing to love her as a true friend. It became a highlight and joy to speak with her, hear her story, and see the Lord working in the midst of her challenging circumstances!

Up Next:  Vanessa’s Story: PartFour—Grandma’s Comin’ to Town 

Vanessa’s Story: Part Two

My first post of this series shared how Vanessa came to be in our family. In this post, I want to give you a peek into my brain and thought process when we first heard about a relative placement.

Vanessa’s Story: Part Two—Hearing about Grandma

    After 4 weeks of contacting CPS to inquire about visits with bio family and to see if there were any relatives who wanted to begin getting to know Vanessa, our caseworker was changed. The new caseworker returned my calls (after leaving 7 messages) and told me that there was a paternal grandma in Texas, Vanessa Sr. She said that this grandma had been calling daily since December 24^th trying to get information. Vanessa Sr. had sent clothes, pictures, and letters. Of course, none of this information had been given to me.     

   I walked over to my husband’s study and sat on his couch and cried; tears of joy and tears of sorrow. It is such a hard thing to explain the mixed emotional reaction. I loved this baby dearly and I was afraid of losing her.  Even though I logically realized that she was never mine to begin with and theologically I believed she belonged with biological family if possible, but my heart was still aching because I absolutely adored this baby girl. I also felt heartbroken for the grandma who had been trying to figure out where her grandbaby was for weeks with no response!

    But I was also simultaneously full of joy that the Lord had answered my prayers! This precious little one that I loved was not an orphan after all! Because of my deep love for this baby girl, it would be incredibly selfish to wish she had no family so that I could adopt her. Because of the depths of my love, I wanted and prayed that the Lord would do a miracle and let this baby be reconciled to her family.

  My tears and emotions were conflicting: fear vs. joy; the desire to tighten my grasp and hold on to this little one who I loved vs. the desire to do everything within me to get her to her back to her biological family. For a fe w minutes I contemplated my options and the crossroad before me. One choice (which many good, well-intentioned foster families make), was to tighten my grasp, avoid bio-grandma, wait until CPS ordered/directed phone visits, and hope that in the mean time…baby Vanessa would be with me for so long that the courts would realize it was in her best interest to stay with us. The other choice was to call grandma, build a friendship, and try to get baby Vanessa connected to her grandmother.

  The reality is I had no control of the outcome no matter the path I took, but one path would be more honoring to the Lord, a greater representation of his gospel, and more loving for Vanessa. The first option would still allow me to be a foster parent to Vanessa and do what the state has asked me to do. It would not have been sinful to avoid Grandma. I would have met Vanessa's needs and provided a safe, loving home for however long the state let me keep her. But the second option would have been making foster care a ministry and not a means to adoption. It would have taken my calling to be a foster parent so that I can care for children and broadened that ministry to an entire family and CPS system.

   

It took me about five minutes to make that decision. Vermon and I quickly let go of our dream of adding Vanessa to a permanent part of our family (spoiler alert: God allowed that to happen in a different way anyway!) and I took a deep breath and picked up my phone to call Vanessa Sr. 

Vanessa’s Story: Part Three—Beginning aRelationship With Grandma

Vanessa's Story: Part One

I have wanted to post about our last foster care journey for a long time now. In foster care things have to stay confidential, so I wanted to wait until baby Vanessa was officially adopted before I published her story (with her mama’s permission of course!)

Vanessa’s story is a beautiful story of reconciliation, hope, and God’s faithfulness. I hope every foster parent can be encouraged by this story of family reunification

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Vanessa’s Story: Part One—Getting Vanessa

Child Protective Service (CPS) called us on December 23, 2011. Vermon and I had decided a few days earlier that we were not going to take another foster placement until after the Christmas holiday. We had just gone through an emotional roller coaster of having newborn baby Z for a brief period and thought we should take a week or two break before getting our next foster baby.

I am not sure why I said, “yes, bring her over” when CPS called me. I knew there were other families willing to take babies, but I felt such a strong urging from the Lord to agree without even calling Vermon (which is not how Vermon and I EVER make decisions, we always talk things through together). But within hours they dropped off a precious 2-month-old baby girl named Vanessa and Vermon came home to a full house. Fortunately, he was just as excited as the kids and I were to have this little one with us for the holidays.  

You could tell her first few months of life had been challenging, but it was clear to me form the moment I held her that the Lord had a plan for this little one’s life. I was instantly in-love with this precious angel.  CPS told us there were no relatives who could take her and no contact with the bio family.

The next few weeks of Vanessa’s life she was held and cuddled constantly. Over a very short period of time, Vanessa’s tense and anxious little body relaxed and she became a joyful, happy, loved, and safe baby girl. We all began praying day and night that the Lord would show us quickly what his plan was for this little one’s forever home.

When you get a new placement, it is so important to throw your entire heart into the child. We cannot guard our hearts trying to protect ourselves from the loss when they leave. For that baby to attach, heal, and begin to thrive they need our full love and devotion. At the same time, we hold that child with open hands. We do not put a tight grasp around them, hoping they can be our next adopted children. Foster care   is a special ministry in and of itself, not a means to adoption. We foster children with the hope and prayer (until proven otherwise) for the Lord to heal, restore, and redeem broken families. 

Up Next: Vanessa’s Story: Part Two—Hearing aboutGrandma

Theology of Adoption Matters to Singles

My latest post is up at the Together for Adoption blog on why the theology of adoption matters to single Christians!

Theology of Adoption Matters to Those Who Don't Adopt

My newest post is up at Together For Adoption:  Don't Want to Adopt? No Problem. The orphan crisis needs people to join who can do other things....

Theology of Adoption Matters to Those Who Don't Adopt

My 4 Take Aways From the A29 Pastors Retreat

Every year Vermon and I get to join the other lead Acts 29 pastors and their spouses from all over the country for a retreat. This year it was TRULY a retreat for me....lots of down time, beautiful weather, a great time of rest.  Here are my 4 take-aways from the A29 retreat:

(#1) Arizona has a great network of churches.

By far my favorite part of the retreat (if I don’t count all the refreshing, wonderful time I got with my husband) was talking with Arizona A29 pastors and their wives.

Growing up in churches and around pastors and their families, it was not uncommon for me to think that competition between churches was normal. As I came into my own faith and became an adult I always felt uncomfortable being around pastor x, y, or z while they shared their jealous feelings of pastor a, b, and c.  I always wondered why churches wasted so many resources competing against each other instead of working together. 

It has been refreshing the last 2 or 3 years to be a part of what is going on in Arizona among all sorts of churches.  I have been able to be a part of the Surge school, which brings together hundreds of people from many different churches (not just A29 guys, but includes A29) in the valley to train and equip believers for leadership. I really appreciate that this includes equipping women along with men and I have enjoyed making connections to churches all over the valley.

It has been so great to see churches partner together to put conferences on, to support events that other churches are doing, to pray for each other. I love when I hear a visitor tell my husband that they are driving from Tempe to go to Roosevelt and he encourages them to check out another one of our sister churches that is much closer to where they live. This feels so much closer to the body of Christ that God has called us to be…no competition, no self-promoting, just glorifying Jesus and begging God to change our city.

(#2) God is doing something with Arizona & Orphan Care

    The other extremely exciting thing that is happening among Arizona A29 churches is orphan care. 40% of the A29 Arizona pastors are adopting, fostering, or beginning the process.  This is unreal! As I heard story after story from couples who shared why they began this process I was moved beyond words. This isn’t a bunch of people who think adoption is the new tattoo or black-rimed glasses.  These couples aren’t fostering, adopting, or trying to walk along side birth families because it is the newest and latest way to be a hipster. These are couples who understand and GET what God has done for us through the Holy Spirit in Jesus. These are couples who want to walk alongside parents, caseworkers, and children and share the good news of Jesus Christ with them and intersect the gospel with their desperate situation.

   I’m not sure what to make of it all yet, but it is by not an accident that God has called and led SO MANY pastors within our Arizona network to adopt or foster. I am hopeful that this is another way that we can partner and make a great impact in our city.

(#3)  Its great that Matt Chandler is now president of the A29 network.

I can’t say how thankful I am for this leadership move.  I am prayerfully hopeful for the vision he has laid out and the 4 markers that he wants the network to be known for.  Which are:  (1) Plant churches that plant churches that plant churches (2) walk in humility (3) work hard and diligently to be diverse ethnically and (4) to be known for evangelism and conversions.  

I grew up in diverse churches. I have an AOG background and for the most part, worshiped in a diverse environment. When I began looking for a church that was more theologically aligned with what I was discovering in God’s word…I came across Roosevelt. Roosevelt is a wonderfully diverse church that had a really cute black pastor that I fell in love with and married.

Roosevelt & that cute pastor opened me up to the A29, PCA, Bible Church, Community Church world.  As I began to go to these conferences, visit their mega-church web sites,  check out the big name guys sermons, and look at their staff list…I was really shocked to see that it was almost 100% white. My first few A29 retreats were incredibly uncomfortable and awkward.  I know it was probably more so for my husband.  It just isn’t comfortable to be one of 6 black guys out of 400 pastors. It isn’t fun when well-intentioned white pastors imply that this reason is because black guys aren’t "there" theologically, or don’t have the education, etc, etc. A few other denominations/networks do it, Universities around our country do it…. goodness, McDonalds, Disneyland, and Starbucks figured out how to draw in all sorts of people into their leadership—why shouldn’t Christian networks and denominations?

Thankfully, again, the Arizona region has been good about this specific issue and I feel like this is something they have been talking about for a few years now.  I really had to fight back tears to hear Chandler say that this is the new direction. Just acknowledging it as a need is a big first step. I think it will take a lot of hard and painful work for them to get there, I am proud that our church is diverse and pray we can plant diverse churches, and I will be praying diligently for wisdom and humility as the A29 leadership seek to diversity their own churches and the A29 network. 

(#4) It is a gift to spend time uninterrupted with Vermon.

The best part of the retreat was just time with Vermon. These last six weeks of transitioning baby Vanessa to her forever home has been really hard physically, emotionally, and spiritually. I came to Orange County completely exaughsted and almost unable to finish my sentences. It was so special to have time to talk with Vermon, time to read, time to write, time to sleep…. I am so thankful for this life God has given me.